


I Want You To Stay

by jscribbles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-09
Updated: 2013-04-09
Packaged: 2017-12-07 23:15:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/754241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jscribbles/pseuds/jscribbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place immediately after the ending of 8.16 'Remember the Titans'. Dean's been pushing Cas away since he met him. Maybe he can pull him back before it's too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Want You To Stay

**Author's Note:**

> Title: I Want You To Stay  
> Genre: Song Fic ('Stay' by Rihanna), angst  
> Author: jscribbles  
> Pairing: Dean/Castiel  
> Warnings: Ideas of Self Harm/Suicide (may be triggery), Anxiety/Panic attack  
> Spoilers: Everything up to and including 8.16  
> Word Count: approx. 2300 words.  
> Summary: Takes place immediately after the ending of 8.16 'Remember the Titans'. Dean's been pushing Cas away since he met him. Maybe he can pull him back before it's too late.  
> Link to song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ypL_DnY5lI
> 
> A/N: I suggest first listening to the song and watching the video (if so you please). It's a gorgeous, deeply sad song, it's so Dean/Cas, and it'll definitely put you in the mood for the fic. This fic has not been beta'd. Please point out any mistakes if you find them, and as always I welcome comments, feedback, and constructive criticism. *All lyrics are centered and italicized. Also, any quote you recognize from the show are probably indeed from the show.*
> 
> Disclaimer: Anything you recognize is not mind and all rights belong to the respective owners. I make no profit from this. The song is by Rihanna and features Mikky Ekko.

 

  
_Dean_

Dean had to get out. He took one last desperate glance around the room before pushing off the bed. He ran his fingers through his hair, pacing the short distance across his room. He ran his hands over his arms and over his face, looking around his room with no sense of purpose, with no idea what he was looking for anymore. He didn't realize he was trembling until he put on his jacket, passed Sam's room, climbed up the stairs to the exit, slipped into his seat and tried to fire up the Impala. The normal feeling of empowerment that came with the roar of his baby starting up was missing, dull in the background as he watched his hands shake on the wheel, pale and small in the darkness.

His stomach churned and Dean looked away, gripping the wheel tightly, trying to still the tremors wracking his hands. Trying to distract himself, he drove, listening to the rain pounding on the hood of the Impala. _Rain is the sound of angels crying,_ he thought, recalling the words of a girl he'd known in grade school. There was a broken sound that made Dean alert, squeeze the wheel tighter. He realized it had come from him. Frustrated, he turned on the radio. Through the speakers came the sound of piano playing. Heavy, mournful sounds filled up the cabin of the Chevy Impala and every corner of Dean's mind. He sat still, listening, suddenly weighed down into the seat, eyes shining.

_All along it was a fever --  
A cold sweat, hot headed believer,_

  
Dean closed his eyes for a moment, squeezing them, not allowing himself to acknowledge the tremble of his chin, the furrow in his brow, the downturn of his lips. He opened his eyes, surveying the empty road, the shining blue gleam of the pavement. The rain pounding against the roof of his car was reminiscent of the pounding of the barn's roof as he waited for Castiel -- for the immovable, terrifying power that broke all the sigils, who entered the room with a shower of sparks and electricity, who took a dagger to the chest with a smile. Who torn apart Hell to find him, to rescue him because he thought he deserved to be saved. The righteous one, the chosen one.

Little did Castiel know _he,_ just like Dean, had been the righteous one, the chosen one. And just like Dean, damned from the start.

 

_I threw my hands in the air and said, “Show me some thing.”_

  
_And you were the one to damn him._ Hands gripped the wheel and Dean tipped his head back slightly, inhaling deeply, gasping slightly, trying to hold himself together. He had damned Castiel.

 

_He said, “If you dare, come a little closer.”_

  
It had never been enough, had it? It all had to be Dean's way, hadn't it? He couldn't leave well enough alone. He couldn't have just let Castiel be the good little angelic soldier he had always been? Maybe the angels were right – maybe it was all his fault Castiel was so broken. Maybe Castiel was dead now because of the nothing Dean had forced him to become. Free will? Rebellion? Peace or freedom... now all Dean wanted for Castiel was peace. Fuck freedom. In the back of his head, he heard Castiel's bitter chuckling, _“I used to belong to a much better club... Now I'm hapless, I'm hopeless.”_

  
_'round and around and around and around we go._   
_Oh, now tell me._   
_Now tell me._   
_Now tell me._   
_Now you know._   


  
Images flooded Dean's head, as if a dam had been broken and now with the indication that maybe he'd never see Castiel again, all he could think about was him. All he could see was Castiel's face, desperate, hopeless, lost, afraid. He saw blood run down his face as Alistair impaled him on a hook, blood on his hands as he banished Zachariah, blood, blood, blood. Blood tumbling over his lips and down his chin, coating his teeth as he smiled up at the angel blade about to come down upon him and deliver his death.

Dean couldn't see the road in front of him because of tears yet he could see Castiel's face clearly, insane and possessed, mad with power, black veining creeping up his face like poison, Levianthan goo trickling out of his hair and down his wrists onto the floor. He could see and feel the cold fear as Castiel removed an angel blade from his own back and surveyed their family with an emptiness that was resounding.

  
_Not really sure how to feel about it._   
_Something in the way you move_   
_makes me feel like I can't live without you._   


  
Dean felt it when he let it all go in a shaky breath, hot tears tumbling down his face. Silently, he mourned for Castiel. For all he knew he was dead. He went back to Heaven with Samandriel's body and for all Dean knew Castiel had died alone, his own sword buried in his chest. The thought tore another noise from him, this one hurting like it'd been ripped from somewhere inside him a long time hidden, stowed.

 _“I'll interrogate the cat.”_ He hears suddenly in his mind, and surprises himself by laughing. It was a horrible noise.

The image of Cas leaned forward, glaring at cat. Castiel smiling at him – a real smile, with a peek of teeth and eye crinkles, a twinkle in his eye that was hardly ever there anymore. The images broke him.

_It takes me all the way.  
I want you to stay._

  
Stay. He wanted Cas to stay. That's what he'd always really wanted, wasn't it? He'd had good intentions for Cas – _paved the path to Hell for him_ – wanted him safe, wanted him here. Wanted him to be good, to keep fighting. _“Talk to me,”_ he heard himself say, before Cas confessed his fears. Before Cas said words that played over and over in his thoughts almost every minute of every day, almost every night during the resounding silence of another prayer not heard. _“I'm afraid I might kill myself.”_

  
_It's not much of a life you're livin'._   


  
_“No one cares that you're broken!”_ Overcome, Dean pulled over, violently showering the side of the gas station with gravel. He pressed his palms into his eyes, breathing unevenly. He was overwhelmed with sadness, not for himself, but for his best friend who he'd pushed away. Whose well being he hadn't given a second thought until it was too late.

Dean wretched open the car door and stumbled inside the station, disappearing into the bathroom. He scrubbed tears away with rough brown paper towel until his skin began to feel raw.

  
_It's not just something you take – it's given._  
'round and around and around and around we go.

Oh, now tell me, now tell me. Now.

Tell me.

Now you know.

_Castiel_

Castiel sees Heaven.

He fought against her – against Naomi. He fought with her until she showed him Heaven. She forced him to walk over the twisted, rotten corpses of his brothers and sisters. She forced him to look when he tried to look away. She opened his eyes when he tried to close them. She forced his head to look up at the black sky blanketing his heaven, to look around at the dead trees, the wilted flowers, the yellow grass, orange and brown in patches were blood had once pooled. _“You wanted to see why I'm giving your orders? I'm giving you orders because you owe it to Heaven to be faithful, to be obedient. You owe all of them. It is the only way to redeem yourself. Look what your free will has done to your family.”_

He barely registered the pain as hail, rain, and cold whipped at his face. He tumbled down to earth, the sounds of Naomi's voice following him all the way down until he landed. Snapping his wings close to his back, he folded forward and rested his forehead against the dashboard of Dean's impala. It was warm, he realized. The car was on. Dean must be nearby somewhere. He looked up, noting Dean wasn't inside the car. He wiped at his face, wet with... rain. Not blood. Maybe tears. The sound of Naomi's voice was fading now, drowned out by the sound of a man's soft, melancholy singing over Dean's radio.

  
_Not really sure how to feel about it.  
Something in the way you move._   


  
Without realizing it, Castiel leaned over and turned the dial, raising the volume. Naomi's voice seemed farther now. He could hardly make out her words anymore over the music. His entire body trembling, Castiel slipped down in the seat, bringing his hands to his face, palms pressed against his eye sockets, warm and wet.

  
_Makes me feel like I can't live without you._  
And it takes me all the way.  
I want you to stay.

  
Oh, how he wanted to stay. He wanted an excuse to stay. He wanted to not hate himself. He wanted to not have these feelings eating at him. Guilt. Fear. Shame. _Help me,_ he thought desperately. He saw flashes of his brothers, dead, limbs twisted, faces arranged into looks of horror, frozen that way forever.

Cas choked, jerking forward again, resting his forehead on the dashboard. His guilt -- it was a physical pain. He wrapped his hands around himself, squeezing his middle painfully. There, against his fingers, he felt the edge of his angel blade, tucked into his coat. It brushed against his hand again as he squeezed himself tighter.

 _Do it,_ a small voice hissed. _Do it. What's even keeping you here?_

_Oh,  
the reason I hold on._

  
“Dean,” He gasped, “Dean, stop me.” He realized he was weeping.

  
_Oh, 'cause I need this hole gone._   


  
His fingers wrap around the blade.

  
_Funny, you're the broken one  
but I'm only the one who needed saving._   


  
Horrible gasps came out of him, hurting his chest and setting his vessel on fire. He felt trapped, warm. With a horrible wheeze, he brought the sword up to his throat and paused for a second, before he cut off his tie, tossing it to the ground with a noise pushed through his teeth that sounded like a sob. It was hot. Suffocating. He shoved the trench coat off his shoulders, balling it up and throwing it aside.

The blade was slippery in his hands. _Blood. Blood on your hands. You'll always have blood on your hands._ No, he thought, not blood. Sweat. Not that it mattered. But he stared at the sword, then turned it slowly in his hands, the point pressing sharply into his chest. For some absurd reason, he paused, then opened the door, standing out in the rain. He couldn't taint the inside of that car - for Deans sake'. He couldn't leave him with that memory. He imagined Dean's return, finding Castiel's worthless corpse limp in his passenger seat, wings burnt all along the interior of his vehicle. He didn't he know why he'd come here. He supposed it had just made sense. That and he had no where else to go.

In some last rather human gesture, he squeezed his eyes shut, sending out one last prayer that he probably didn't deserve. _Save me._

_'cause when you never see the light,  
it's hard to see which one of us is caving,_

  
He tried plunging the sword into his chest, but it fought him. There was a scream -- a horrible one, desperate and miserable -- as he fought to tug the blade towards him. It occurred to him that the scream had come from his own mouth, but his eyes snapped open and saw Dean in front of him, blood dripping from his hands, a twin scream dying on his lips. His fragile human hands were shredded as they fought to hold the blade back.

  
_Not really sure how to feel about it,  
something in the way you move_   


  
He hears Dean yell at him, screaming at him, begging him to stop. “Please!” He hears. “No, Cas! No, no, no! _Please_.” He hears. _“Stay!”_ He hears. Bloody sliced hands wrap around his wrists. In an instant, the blade falls to the ground, sinking into wet gravel.

He wasn't sure who moved first, but the next few moments were followed by a sharp pain in his knees as he crashed to the ground, arms struggling to hold him, hands grasping for something, fingers burying themselves in wet, rough material.

_Makes me feel like I can't live without you  
and it takes me all the way._

  
Dean is hitting him, punching and clawing, shaking Cas despite the poor condition of his palms. Dean is hugging him and holding him, stroking his face and kissing his lips despite the poor condition of their hearts.

  
_I want you to stay._   


  
He doesn't know if it's the song still playing or if it's Dean's words in his ear, but he's hurting and trembling and there are arms around him. The only voice that matters is Dean's now, saying the right words. Weakly, Castiel holds on. He doesn't want to, but he does. As long as he is wanted, he'll try. He'll stay.

  
_Oh,_  
stay  
stay  
I want you to stay.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback and comments are loved and appreciated.


End file.
